Real Life Zen

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.Just prettymuch leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, you could be right.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Give a lonely man a pen and he will write for a day. Teach him how to write, and he will sit in front of a computer, drink beer and dream all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Under every angry, preachy person is a scared person trying to protect him/herself.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the
universe together.
There are two theories to being friends with women if you are a woman. Neither one works.
Never try to be friends with a jealous woman - no one lives that long.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't miss until you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut-up.
Playground jealousy thrives on message boards. It wears a humor mask.
Mention sable in mixed company and you have to wipe it off the
windshield.